Keep It
by imjustwriting
Summary: Sometimes being strong means having to be vulnerable. Even in front of the people we're closest to.


This literally came out of nowhere and is my take on the events of 3x07 and what happened after. I've slowly been working on the next chapter of Sober. I'm hoping to finish it soon. I do apologize in advance for any mistakes you may see in this one shot, but let me know what you think of it! Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own or have any affiliation with Chicago PD, its characters, writers, cast or crew.

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Today had been a rough one. The ones involving kids always were, but Erin noticed her partner's quiet disposition throughout the day's events. From interrogating a beaten kid who was presumed to be a suspect in wanting to hurt his classmates, to chasing a guy through a subway car, to discovering the truth that Ethan Jones hadn't wanted to hurt anyone except the man who had hurt him and his friend.

Jay had asked Erin to not leave him alone with the swim coach and when he'd almost been close to being so, she had never been more grateful for the way Hank Voight could read her with just one glance. Voight had shot down Jay's advancement to interrogate the coach and Erin had breathed a silent sigh of relief as she had pulled Jay into the viewing room.

Once the coach had fessed up and the day was done so was Jay, it seemed. He'd told her he was going to go visit with E.J. That he needed to see him. Needed to make sure he was okay and Erin had only nodded a soft shake of her head because she knew he did need it. He said he'd see her tomorrow and the two had parted ways at the district. Erin left shortly after Jay, making her way to Molly's for a much needed beer and internally hoping Dr. Charles would be seated at the end of the bar as he usually was after a day of work.

Not long after leaving the district Erin entered the popular pub through the front door, the breeze of Chicago's fall season whipping through her hair as she closed it behind her. She glanced around, noting that the doc wasn't in and took a few quick strides to the bar. She hopped up onto a stool and Herrmann was in front of her from behind the counter within a moment.

"Hiya, Lindsay," he smiled at her just as he always did.

Erin smiled back softly, tipping her head to the older man. "Hey, Herrmann."

He grabbed a bottle from a fridge below him and placed it down in front of after popping the top off for her.

"Thanks," she told him, quickly bringing the open bottle to her lips and taking a long pull from it.

"Heard you guys had a tough day. I'm so sorry for those kids," Herrmann said, his blue grey eyes emitting pure sincerity.

The fireman had children of his own, had suffered a miscarriage with his wife, but he couldn't imagine the kind of loss of someone you love taking their own life or someone you trust abusing you so harshly. It made him sick, and Erin could tell as much as she stared back at him with sad eyes of her own.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad, but at least the day is over now," Erin said.

"I'll drink to that."

Erin turned in her seat at the sound of a familiar voice and offered a small smile as soon as her eyes landed on the man that sat down on the stool next to her.

"Feel like they should set you up with a cot in the back or something," Erin teased.

"You're funny. I see why my brother likes you so much."

Erin's cheeks flushed at the mention of her partner and she reached for the beer in front of her.

"The usual, doc?" Herrmann asked.

Will Halstead nodded and Herrmann walked to the other end of the bar. He returned a moment later with a different bottle of brew than Erin and a shot glass filled with a clear liquid that smelled distinctly like tequila. Will thanked the fireman bartender and quickly downed the tequila without hesitation.

"Rough day for you too?" Erin asked gesturing to the now turned upside down shot glass in front of the doctor.

Will nodded. "Lost a nine year old girl on the table before my shift ended. She was born with a heart condition and was rushed in because she was having trouble breathing. Blood just wasn't circulating right out of one valve. We lost her once, got her back, and then thirty seconds later she was gone."

Erin swallowed hard and reached a hand out to the man's shoulder. She gave a soft squeeze. "I'm sorry, Will."

Will turned his head and looked at Erin, nodding in appreciation at her friendly gesture. "I see people die every day in that hospital. People die every day outside of them even. I'll never be able to handle the kids though. They're always the worst, ya know?"

Erin nodded back. "Yeah, I do know. We had a case involving a few kids today. One killed themselves, another was beaten up by his schoolmates. They were both abused."

Will shook his head, a distinct flash of anger glazed over in his eyes. "And where's Jay?"

"He went to see one of the kids after shift. His name's Ethan. His dad was in the army, was killed, and Jay just really connected with him. He took it pretty hard today. I'm worried about him."

"Then why are you here? You should be with him," Will told her.

Erin sighed and shook her head. "He's probably gonna wanna be alone."

Will kept his eyes on Erin. "When you were alone and dealing with things, is that how you really wanted it to be? No one worrying about you, no one seeming to care?"

Erin raised an eyebrow at his direct line of questioning and inhaled a deep breath before blowing it out.

"No one ever wants to be alone, Erin. They'll always want someone to be there," Will told her. He stood from the barstool and reached into his coat pocket, pulling out his keys. He detached a single silver key and plopped it down onto the wooden countertop, sliding it towards Erin.

Erin glanced down at the key for a second before she looked back up at Will. He winked at her once, grabbed his beer and walked away towards a group of guys Erin recognized from the firehouse. She looked back down at the key and plucked it up between her fingers before nodding a goodbye to Herrmann and exiting the bar.

Twenty minutes later Erin stood in the hallway of her partner's apartment with a six pack of his favorite beer in one hand and the key to his door in the other. She looked down at the key between her fingers, took a quick breath, and then slid it into the keyhole. She turned it, turned the handle and pushed the door open. She stepped inside, closed the door behind her and quickly flipped the switch she knew was on the side wall. Jay wasn't home, but she knew he would be eventually.

Erin went to the kitchen, pulled a beer from the case and set the rest in the fridge. She popped the top and took her beer back into the living room. She kicked off her boots and sat down on the couch before turning on the television to some movie that she knew she wouldn't pay any attention to.

It must have been nearly an hour until Erin finally heard a key in the door. She glanced over the back of the couch and watched the door open before Jay stepped inside the apartment with a slight frown. His tired eyes quickly landed on Erin as he closed the door behind him.

"Hey," he said, glancing around the apartment. "Will here?"

Erin shook her head slowly, suddenly nervous in front of her partner. "He let me borrow his key. I hope that was okay."

Jay kicked off his boots and leaned down to line them up against the wall by the door just as he'd always done. He stood back up and walked around his couch and plopped down into the cushions beside Erin.

"You alright?" He asked her, looking at her with sad blue eyes.

Erin nodded. "I um, I was just worried about you. I ran into Will at Molly's and we were talking and he gave me his key. I know you said you were going to see Ethan and I figured you wanted to be alone, but today was pretty horrible and I just-"

Jay cut her off with a kiss to her lips, his hand immediately finding the side of her face to cradle her head in his palm. It was brief and sweet and when Jay pulled back Erin's eyes flickered open, soft and hazy.

"You ramble when you're nervous. Did you know that?"

Erin ran the tip of her tongue over her bottom lip, her nerves still getting the best of her. "I just didn't wanna bother you. If you wanted your space, ya know?"

"Are you kidding me? Coming home to find you on my couch is the best way to end my day," Jay told her. His hand slipped lower, gripping the side of her neck, and his fingers grazed over her jaw line.

Erin's lips twitched upward into a small smile and she nodded her head slowly, not too sure of what to say to his words. She swallowed back the remainder of the nervous energy bubbling inside of her and gestured to her bottle of beer sitting on the coffee table in front of them.

"There's more in the fridge if you want one," she told him.

Jay glanced at the coffee table and his mouth formed a half smile at the sight of the label of brew; his favorite. He looked back to Erin and his smile widened just by looking at her.

"Thank you," he said.

Erin nodded as Jay pulled his hand away from her face. She instantly missed his touch while he got up from the couch and returned a moment later with a bottle of his own in hand. He took a long pull from his beer and set it down on the table next to Erin's before he sat back down beside her. He lifted his arm and stretched it out over the back of his couch. They watched the movie that continued to play on Jay's T.V. in silence for several minutes before Erin finally turned her head to look at her partner.

"How's Ethan holding up?" She asked quietly.

Erin immediately noticed how Jay tensed at her question and she mentally kicked herself for even bringing it up.

"I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about it," Erin said.

Jay shook his head and dropped his hand from the back of the couch to her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "No, it's okay. He's uh, he's fine I guess. We talked about his dad a bit, and then I talked to his mom. She's going to find someone for him to talk to, professionally. I gave her Dr. Charles' name from Med."

Erin nodded, raising her hand to his on her shoulder and laced her fingers with his. "You really pulled through for that kid. He's lucky he had you today."

"Ya know, I, I'll never be able to understand why people do what they do. How a person can hurt a kid like that. A person that's supposed to wanna help kids and teach them and keep them safe, and then they just treat them like garbage. Treat them like they don't matter."

Erin watched Jay as he spoke, his jaw locked and his eyes straight ahead as if he couldn't look her in the eye. She soon realized with every word he spoke that he wasn't only talking about Ethan and what that kid had been through, but what Jay had gone through himself at some point. Maybe not the exact same circumstances, but definitely the same way a person hurts you without any remorse for their actions.

"You told Hank earlier today that you used to be that kid. What did you mean?" Erin asked him.

Jay sighed. "My dad was, and still is, a person I don't really recognize as my dad. Most days I feel like he's someone I don't even really know. Good was never good enough for him. Something always seemed to tick him off, no matter how small. I haven't talked to the man in about two years now probably."

Erin swallowed hard. "Did he hurt you?"

"A few times, yeah. Gave me a bloody nose once. He swung at me a few months before graduation and I hit him back. I was just so angry. So fed up. That's why I joined the Rangers. Will was away at school and partying. My dad cared more about money and his reputation in his social circle more than he seemed to care about his family. I wanted to get as far away from him as I could. I got shipped overseas and did a double tour."

"What made you come home?" Erin asked him.

"Our convoy got ambushed just outside of Kabul. Suicide bomber. I was hurt pretty bad. Mouse was there with me. It's how we met. If he hadn't of come in and pulled me out when he had, I wouldn't be here right now. We lost a few friends that day. Mouse and I both got an honorable discharge from the service. My mom passed away a few months after I got home. She was just so sick. I blamed myself for a really long time for not being there to take care of her. My dad sure as hell didn't. He was always working, going to some benefit gala, screwing some secretary. Will was still in New York living his life without a care in the world. Maybe if I hadn't been so selfish-"

Erin quickly shook her head, squeezing his hand once more. "Don't do that to yourself. It's not your fault she got sick, Jay. It's not your fault she died. You can't blame yourself for the things that happened beyond your control. You'll kill yourself if you do. I know I almost did after Nadia died. And if it wasn't for you I'd still probably be deep in that hole somewhere, or six feet under somewhere else."

Jay sighed, using his free hand to run it through his hair before dropping it back down to the arm of the couch. He kept his gaze in front of him, staring straight ahead. "I've talked to a therapist and mulled it over so many times, but there's always going to be a part of me that can't let it go."

Erin nodded along, knowing full well what he must have felt. What he'd gone through. "Those kinds of things, those demons? You don't really ever let go of them Jay. You just kinda learn to live with them and not let them run your head."

Jay swallowed hard and when he finally turned his head and looked at her, Erin saw the tears in his eyes. The way they made his blue eyes shine a bright hue despite his obvious torment made Erin's heart ache. She pulled her hand out of his and scooted closer towards him, raising her left arm and resting her hand at the back of his neck. Her fingers raked through his hair at the back of his head and she raised her right hand to hold the side of his face.

"I'm sorry," Jay said in a low voice.

Erin quirked an eyebrow. "For what?"

"I'm being a downer. You shouldn't have to deal with this. I'm sorry," he said.

Erin shook her head at him and held his cheek firm against her palm. "Don't ever apologize for that. I'm glad you trust me enough to share this part of you with me. You're one of the strongest people I know Jay, but sometimes being strong means having to be vulnerable. Even in front of the people we're closest to."

Erin moved her thumb over the short stubble of his cheek and she leaned forward to place a quick, chaste kiss against his lips.

"I'm glad you came here tonight. I really didn't wanna be alone," Jay said between their lips once they pulled away.

"Me too," Erin whispered back.

"Speaking of which," Erin began, reaching into the left breast pocket of her flannel button down. She pulled the silver key from her pocket that she'd used to enter his apartment and handed it to Jay. "Will's gonna want this back."

Jay shook his head, plucked the key from her hand and dropped it back inside the pocket of her shirt. "You keep it."

"And what about your brother?" Erin asked with a raised eyebrow.

"He moved out while you were on your...sabbatical. I can always get another one for him if I need to. I'm sure you'll probably use it more than him though, so you keep it. For the future, or whatever you wanna use it for, okay?"

Erin nodded slowly, a small smirk playing on her lips. "The future, huh?"

Jay nodded back. "Like I said earlier, coming home to you is the best way to end my day. A guy could get used to something like that, ya know."

"I'll have to return the favor then and get a copy of the key to my place for you. I know we spend all day together for work and sometimes more than one day at a time, but I like this. Being here with you like this. Especially after days like today. It kinda feels like we've been doing it forever, doesn't it?"

"It does, and I like it too," Jay told her.

His tears seemed to evaporate away and his eyes remained a sad blue, but there was a lightness that had returned to them that made Erin's heart swell. She took pride in knowing she could make him feel better, that she could be there for him and that he let her. She leaned her face in towards his and ghosted her lips over his. She pulled away slowly, brushing the tip of her nose against his, before she maneuvered her body and faced the television. The same movie was still playing, mostly just acting as background noise at this point as the two detectives sat close together.

Jay sat at one end of the couch with his legs outstretched and crossed at the ankles, while his sock covered feet rested on the coffee table and his left arm laid over the arm of the couch. Erin leaned into him against his right side with her head against the crook of his shoulder, her knees folded up into a somewhat fetal position and her feet sticking out. Her left hand was wedged between them, her right rested on top of Jay's thigh. Jay's right arm hung down over her small frame, his hand on her back. Within a few minutes Erin could feel herself dozing off as she could feel Jay drawing on her exposed skin with the tips of his fingers.

"Can we do this every night?" Erin asked, her voice sleepy and content and her eyes feeling heavy.

"Mmmhmm," Jay mumbled, moving his hand and giving a light squeeze to her side.

His fingers danced slowly across Erin's skin and his apartment was quiet, save for the low volume of his television and the even breaths coming from the woman beside him. Despite the heartache the day had brought to them, Jay smiled a stupid grin to himself as Erin's words echoed in his ears. He could do this, them, tonight, every night for the rest of his life.


End file.
